Keep Dreaming

Q: I’ve known this guy for a year and a half and OMG I can’t stop thinking about him! I’ve always liked him as a friend and quietly admired his humor, talent, and kindness. So initially I didn’t find him physically attractive but over the years I started to find him very much so. But when I see him in person I don’t feel anything special towards him which is weird. I’m confused… am I crushing on him or is it something else? Thanks :)

A: Hello! The most important thing to consider in this situation is how you feel when he’s in your presence. If it’s not ‘there’ when HE is there, then I’m sorry to say, we have a problemo. I’ve experienced a similar thing before, but I’ve also been on the opposite end, which is really bizarre. In one relationship I noticed that the person was thinking of me and diggin’ me hard when we were apart, but in-person he seemed irritable and not that into me. It was a real mindfuck. Eventually I learned that he just wasn’t in it to win it. In all honesty, if you’re not stoked about him at every moment- whether he’s there, not there, kind of there, across the room, inside of you, in your dreams, etc. then it’s not worth pursuing. Perhaps you’re crushing on him because there’s no one else currently blowing your mind. It’s a simple distraction. I think your efforts are better spent meeting new people and going out a lot. Keep this guy as a friend and a litmus test for the type of guy you want to eventually find and fall in love with.

ORRRRRRR take this alternate advice: make out with him once and see if your feelings change and/or intensify! Good luck!

Song Recommendation: Among Dreams by Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti

Moving On

Q: A guy I dated for a month cheated on me in front of my face (went all the way too).. And i took him back after about a week. Please halp! I don’t know how to feel about it. We no longer are on speaking terms because he had to move across the country shortly after. We had an amazing connection and he was the SWEETEST/MOST CONSIDERATE dude while we were together. So confused.

A: No matter how sweet and considerate he was at some point, the fact that he cheated on you in front of your face (I can’t even imagine how horrible that was) trumps everything. He’s an ass, plain and simple. I’m not sure what happened between the time he was nice to you and the time of that asinine incident, but somewhere in there, he became an asshole. So forget about the sweet stuff. It’s ancient history. Since you’re not on speaking terms, I think it’s safe to say, in the name of tough love, that it’s way over. He obviously feels it’s over too, so why should you sit around and hang on? You need to please start the process of getting over him. Hang out with your friends right now, and listen to them! I’m sure they agree with me that what he did is totally inexcusable. Not to mention, you’re totally too good to forgive that type of abuse. In situations like these, your powers of pride and self-worth need to be tapped into. As in, get over him as soon as humanly possible because you’re awesome. I know it’s hard, but soon some better person will come along, and you’ll look back and think, “What was I thinking?!” We all look back and think this about certain past jerks. You’re not alone! Good luck, love!

Song Recommendation: A Place in the Sun by Stevie Wonder

You Do You

Q: Dear Nedelle,

I am a 33 year-old male. I like to meet new people and go on dates. Recently, I came to the realization that I enjoy dating and meeting new people more than I enjoy attempting to “find the one.” I fundamentally don’t believe that there is a “right one” for anybody——in every aspect of our lives, from careers to education to hobbies to where we choose to live, to the friends we make, we’re given latitude to explore and always keep changing.Yet, in love, we’re told that you should find only one person and stick with that person for many decades. How does that make sense? Why should we not have the same openness and exploratory sense for love as we do for any other aspect of our lives?It’s not that I get bored. I also never cheat on anyone that I’m seeing (I have strict rules for myself). I have also become close friends with pretty much all of the women I have seen more than 4 or 5 times.

I guess my question is this: is there something wrong with me? Am I just an anomaly in a world where most people want (or *think* they want) only long-term relationships (especially once they’re in their 30s)? Also, I would not describe myself as polyamorous, because that still usually presupposes a “primary” partner, or effectively becomes an “open-relationship.”

A: Hi There! I think now’s a better time than any to question the stale stranglehold that monogamy has on our culture!

I’m totally into the idea of people creating their own relationship paradigms, (there might not be a term for your type, but who cares?) and as long as everyone is forthright with each other, (which is difficult, and more so when sex is involved) then what’s the big deal? Sounds like you are playing by some fair, self-imposed rules, and that’s admirable.
In a way, we are all doing what you’re doing, it’s just that the majority of people are looking for the Wizard of Oz at the end of the dating yellow brick road.
I have to say, just because someone wants to be in a long-term relationship, doesn’t mean that they aren’t open and/or adventurous. This, to me, really illuminates your opinion on long-term monogamy. You think it’s a one-way trip to snoozeville, but let’s be fair- that’s not necessarily the truth of the matter. It’s just not for you!
Your archetypal soul brother might be Giacomo Casanova! His memoirs of amorous adventures filled 12 volumes and over 1000 pages. Wikipedia says he recounts over 120 adventures with women. You’re already at 130! (I jest.)
To answer your question in all honesty, I really don’t think you’re abnormal. I think that you seem really level-headed, and maybe this is one reason why you’re not gaga over falling in love and finding “the one.” Who knows, maybe you will fall hard one day, but maybe you won’t. Maybe more and more people will join you in your lifestyle, since we are seeing a trend of marrying later, having kids later, or not at all, etc.. The state of the world is so desperate right now I wouldn’t be surprised if the traditional family structure broke down. That doesn’t mean love won’t exist!! (That would actually make me very sad.) To me there’s no need to qualify someone’s life. As long as there’s no maliciousness and honesty is the policy, I think we’re all good here : )

Song Recommendation: Casanova by LeVert