THE COLUMN IS IS ALIVE AT THE LA RECORD!
ASK ANONYMOUSLY OR WRITE TO ADVICEFROMPARADISE@GMAIL.COM
THE COLUMN IS IS ALIVE AT THE LA RECORD!
ASK ANONYMOUSLY OR WRITE TO ADVICEFROMPARADISE@GMAIL.COM
Come celebrate the ‘release’ of my love advice column in the LA Record Magazine! Monday 12/9 at the Melody Lounge in Chinatown. Playing with Kenny “Keys” Gilmore and Jeremy Gara on drums. DJ Tiffany Anders and Disc Jock Jesspelita. 9pm, Free.
Anonymous asked: Your guitar playing on From the Lion's Mouth is amazing, as well as your cover of Hunter Gets Captured by the game, are there any future projects in store where you might return to that sound?
Thanks, I’m very flattered! I don’t know what to say, really. I think I exhausted the six chords I know on that album. I don’t imagine I’ll return to that sound unless I take some guitar lessons and learn some new chords : ) I put a new demo on a mix tape I made that I posted a little while back. In case you wanna check it out. New stuff will be less synthy than the album that came out this year. Thanks for writing in! XO
Aaron Olson made a video for “I Love Thousands Every Summer”!
Anonymous asked: While girls mature faster than guys in their developmental ages, I think it's a bit disingenuous to all the men & women who have their shit together by their 20s. I think perpetuating the sexist assumption that older guys are more mature than their younger counterparts is what leads to finding out late in the game the guys are entitled/wasteful messes. If it's a deal-breaker then return the defective male-unit to the store and get a reliable unit. There are plenty of us available out there.
You wanna go on a date?
This was me, not sure why I anonymously asked.
As a 26yo guy who works with plenty of other guys in their late 20s & mid 30s, the lack of emotional maturity & inability to communicate is astounding. Also the egos & lack of personal responsibility (deflecting & blaming others for their own errors). There is a reason why my bosses have often make me the temporary POC when they go on vacation instead of my older counterparts/coworkers. Hearing a 34yo guy complain that his chill & wonderful gf doesn’t “fight/disagree with him enough” is psycho-talk.
After observing these behavioral differences you would assume go away with age I realized the belief that people mature or become more responsible later in life is false. Lots of people never grow up or learn and it has nothing to do with age or gender. Cynical people will eagerly say “well of course” then throw out the beliefs of “just date an older *whatever*” or “find an older work candidate” as if that is true. It’s not, people are diverse and the idea that “older men/guys are more mature” is not only unfair to younger guys who have their shit together but honestly it also sets up ladies for disappointment for making the horribly sexist assumption that “this guy is older than me and so smooth and pays for everything, it’s wonderful!” Maybe he is paying for everything by mismanaging money and being irresponsible and not planning ahead.
Don’t make any assumptions good or bad based on gender/age/whatever. Human beings are crazy diverse and have different experiences that leave us all growing/maturing at different rates.
I totally agree with you. I was just riffing on a stereotype in my answer to that person’s question, and that was very irresponsible of me. I was way into this comment, and then saw you’re into animals and was way into you… but you like Grimes… I guess we have to break up now. (Don’t take it the wrong way, I do adore the range of your musical taste…)
Q: Hey Nedelle! I could use some advice, and have got a real doozie for you…I dated a girl for a few months at the beginning of this year, and fell for her pretty hard really quickly. Although it felt like she was pursuing me as much as I was her, she expressed reservations early on about moving too fast…she said she was still raw from a breakup 9 months earlier. So we took things slow, but things progressed steadily and within a month we were calling each other girlfriend and boyfriend. Soon after that, though, on a trip back to her hometown, she slept with her ex. She told me about it when she got back, said she was sorry and that she wanted to be with me and only me, and I told her that I thought we could get past it and that I really wanted to still be with her. We made a go of it, and had a lot of really special, fun, and intimate time together, but after a couple months she started to pull away, needing more and more time to herself. I could tell she wanted to make it work, but just couldn’t be “in it” in the way that I was. So she broke up with me, partly for her sake, because she just couldn’t get comfortable, but partly for me, because she sensed I wasn’t getting enough out of the relationship (which I wasn’t willing to admit to myself because I liked her so much.) Splitting up seemed like the right thing at the time, but I’ve been pretty torn up about it ever since. We’ve only exchanged one short how-have-you-been e-mail in the last 6 months (which I initiated,) in which we both expressed wanting to try to eventually be friends, but otherwise we haven’t talked or seen each other. Which leads me to my question…
I’m planning on going to a show in a few weeks that I think she’ll also be at. I haven’t seen her in so long—not even in passing—so I think it’d not only feel good to talk and catch up, but I think seeing her in the flesh might help cut through the cloud of her memory that fogs up my head. I’m not sure how I should approach a potential interaction, though. Part of me wants to be nice and humble, and just tell her that I miss her and it’s really good to see her; part of me wants to tell her how much she hurt me (something I never really did before); and part of me wants to just play it cool and pretend like I haven’t been thinking about her at all (which is completely untrue!) What’s the best way to be around her? How do I feed the urge to talk to her, while simultaneously attempting to move past being hung up on her, and retaining a sense of poise and dignity! (I’m trying not to overthink it, but I fear it’s already too late for that.) What do you think?!
(Btw, your new album is so beautiful! I’ve been listening to it non-stop for the last few months—the lyricism and songwriting are phenomenal, and your voice has never sounded better. Your music has really spoken to me, and has done a lot to soothe my post-breakup blues.)
Guess that’s all. Thanks for everything, Nedelle!
A: Oh no! I’m so sorry to hear about this nonsense woman. She was careless from the start- wishy this, washy that. And she cheated so early on! She sounds like a ball of confusion, and I’m glad you’re rid of her. (And of course, you are too.)
I would totally cruise the high road on this one. You see, in an uneven relationship, the lover is stronger than the loved, though it may appear to be the opposite, because they have the power to love, and the receiver is playing the passive role. The giver has a wealth to give! How lucky they are! So when you see her, remember how much better you treated her, than she you. Nice and humble is the name of the game! Posture! Be sincere, because that comes naturally to you, but not flagrantly so. (God, talk about calling the kettle black. Whenever I plan to convey a certain emotion to someone, it must come off like a scene from a musical.) So learn from my mistakes, and stop planning. Stop thinking about this right now, it’s weeks away! …. I said STOP!
Anonymous asked: Hi Nedelle! I'm annoyed at my dude because he keeps 'double tapping' a particular woman's picture on instagram. She lives in another state but I'm super jealous because he obviously thinks she's physically attractive, and also I know they hang out when she's in town and keep in touch via Facebook. Plus I know that in the past he's used Facebook as a catalyst for new relationships. He's secretive, so this doesn't help my anxiety! Should I ask him about it, or leave it alone? Thanks!
The way you found out about this Instagram insipidness might illuminate the current state of things. Did you happen across it on a single occasion, or are you obsessively looking for evidence that he’s not into you? Is there a bigger issue, like trust, that this double tapping is tapping into? So we’ve got to zoom out and ask why we’re looking for evidence of something, if that is, in fact, what you’re up to. No matter what you tease out by asking yourself this question, I think you should definitely address him about the sitch. Let’s get this party started and get some ANSWERS! And if he tries to turn it around and accuse you of spying, you can remind him that the root of the word “jealous” comes from the same root as “zealous,” and was often used in a positive way, denoting a boiling over of adoration, which is what you feel for him : )
The one tried and true defense against jealousy is to love yourself more than you love him, and be so occupied by your own life that he is just the awesome icing. (Though in this case he sounds like shitty icing.) I know this idea is cliche, but it’s a good one! I don’t want you to be that kid who, when asked what superpower she would want if she could have just one, answers, “to be invisible” or “to see what anyone is doing at any given time.” Granted, that would be interesting, but ultimately terrifying. The better answer would be “I would fly” or “I wanna jump really really high” or something. And, to continue this silly metaphor, love should be a forcefield, not kryptonite. Remember that, like a superhero, you are incredible and indestructible, with or without a relationship. Good luck with the conversation! XO
Anonymous asked: Help, I'm being pursued by rich gay men:) Yea I get that there are worse ways to be wanted, but somehow I have become irresistible to a few dudes. Who are totally nice, and some of who are good friends and colleagues. But I feel like when I say it once, how can you even try to cross the line again. There are clearly set boundaries here Nedelle. Just shy of being stipulated in a binding agreement.
People are so gauche. They have no class, no tact. They lack self-awareness. And most importantly, they lack CARE. They obviously aren’t caring about you enough to stop flirting. Maybe it’s a sport, and they like to see you get uncomfortable. Maybe they’re really lonely and think that 7th time’s a charm. Maybe these richies don’t know gold’s a false God.
So now you have to take more drastic measures: ignore ignore ignore, or give them a crazy evil eye that says, “I’m going to lash out at any moment,” or just say something more intense and direct to them than you have before. Threats are effective in the workplace. Jk. And ask yourself, are these “good friends”? I get so confused about people. I love everyone, and it takes me a long time to realize that a lot of people are douchebags.
Q: Hi Nedelle, I was hoping you might be able to offer some advice on my relationship. I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for almost 6 months now and things are going really wonderfully; we’ve gotten closer than I ever expected to and it’s the first time I’ve been in a relationship that’s been so healthy, open, honest, and supportive, we both feel so grateful for what we share, but we’ve gotten very close very fast and with that closeness I’m seeing a lot of the demons she carries with her and learning about just how much pain she’s experienced in life. Right now we are on opposite sides of the country because I had to visit my hometown for personal reasons. We communicate through the phone and skype regularly but it’s been difficult at points to stay connected. She has a lot of insecurities and often a brutally low self-esteem. She seems to keep a lot of her issues to herself until it bubbles over and it comes down on her all at once and then she’ll have episodes of anxiety and self-loathing, which lead to drinking a dangerous amount and she will wind up in situations that scare me to death (although this weekend she’s promised me to stop drinking until I return home next month, which is a huge gesture I really appreciate).
I am just wondering if you’ve had any experience with or perspectives on being involved with people who’ve experienced a lot of trauma in their lives, and what is the best way to offer support. I often feel at a loss for words when she gets lost in the darkness that’s inside of her. I’m always trying very hard to understand but there are times when I can’t and all I can talk about his how much I care about her and all the things I love about her, but that speech gets old pretty quick. What are the best ways you’ve found to give emotional support in relationships when your partner’s issues aren’t directly related to the you? Sorry, kind of a big, broad question, it doesn’t have to be so specific, just looking for some perspective while we’re going through a difficult time. Thanks!
A: I would recommend you don’t go down the rabbit hole with her, because ultimately, you need to give her space to work it out in her own way. In my experience, it is dangerous to get lost in someone else’s problems. Ultimately, it is not your responsibility. This is THE definition of co-dependence, and we all know that’s a psychological no-no. Don’t get me wrong, I think you should be a rock for her, but the sort of rock who is firmly rooted in its own life, as opposed to, say, a barnacle. To me, that is the healthy relationship model.
I always refer to my love bible, Roland Barthes’ A Lover’s Discourse. He talks about the “fade-out,” in which your lover fades out, and you’re forced to watch him/her go. “Like a kind of melancholy mirage, the other withdraws into infinity and I wear myself out trying to get there.” This is what I fear for you. I don’t want you to wear yourself out.
I know it’s THE WORST to be far away from someone who is going through so much. You feel helpless. Barthes tells us that Freud didn’t like the telephone, because, perhaps, he foresaw that the telephone is always a cacophony, and that what it transmits is the wrong voice, the false communication. We can try and deny separation through the telephone, but it still reminds us of how far apart we are.
In another nugget of Barthes’ wisdom, he quotes a dude named Winnicott who explains that with anxiety, “the clinical fear of breakdown is the fear of a breakdown which has already been experienced… There are moments when a patient needs to be told that the breakdown, fear of which is wrecking his life, has already occurred.” I like the idea that fear has no basis in the future, but is just those damn memories haunting us. Shoo!!! So there should be an attempt to remedy the pain she is going through. Therapy? Meditation? Self-help books? I know not the answer, but this would seem like a positive step for you both.
And finally, I refer to his chapter on demons. “…I seek to harm myself, I expel myself from my paradise, busily provoking within myself the images… which can injure me; and I keep the wound open… I can hope to exorcise the demonic word which is breathed into my ears (by myself) if I substitute for it another, calmer word…” The act of forcing yourself to focus on what is positive is so hard to do. It is tiresome and repetitive, which is why sometimes you just want to forget, and do something reckless… But it is a practice, and you never arrive anywhere, like in any practice. And distraction can help, too, though in a more superficial way. I know I’m happier when I’m busy, and feel that I have some purpose, something to offer… It may be difficult to stay out of the muck, the mire, the mud, the sticky, heavy sadness that lurks below the surface, but for love, it’s worth it! So I don’t need to wish you luck, because love is way better.
Anonymous asked: I might have fallen in love last night.... are you seeing anyone?
Haha, that is sweet, thanks…do you need any love advice?
Opening for Of Montreal on Sunday, Nov. 10 at the Echoplex in Los Angeles. 8pm sharp! XO
Question came through my FB page.
Q: It was completely dark out, and I could that I was surrounded by a lot of people and it was kind of damp and cold. All of a sudden everyone started to run like it was a race and I couldn’t see anything. People were kicking sand in my face, and I was just reaching out and holding on to people to see where I was going. I didn’t want to run but I had too. I didn’t know if we were running away from something or towards something.
Then I could start to see a dark blue that silhouetted everything. We were running along the edge of the ocean trying not to get swept up in the waves. I realized Joey (my dog) was running with me, we were trying to stay together and eventually we separated out from everyone. The sky started getting brighter and the stars came out. All of a sudden the shooting stars started and slowly got more and more intense until they were shooting across the sky 100
or so at a time.
We ran past this tiny house built impossibly close to the waves with nice lights on inside and an old man standing out front (the front door was right on the sand) with his hand on his chin as he looked out into the waves and stars, ignoring us. Then time began to behave strangely and it got darker before it was morning. The shooting stars stuttered in their tracks, going back and forth and disappearing.
We came to a confluence where this enormous river hit the sea and we knew we had to cross so we just started swimming while the stars were still moving backwards and forwards. I got worried because in the middle the current was so strong I was sure Joey would get swept away and sure enough, looking back, he couldn’t swim strong enough. I swam back for him and grabbed his collar and started pulling us both to the other side. Then I woke up.
A: Wow, dream analysis is difficult! I feel like I need a disclaimer- I just looked everything up in dream dictionaries I found online, so don’t know how reliable this is : )
Everything I read pointed to some issue in your life that is causing a degree of anxiety. You could be avoiding the issue, in that you are running from something, and there is also a pressure to arrive somewhere, and preferably, at a safe, or pleasant place. Running with other people symbolizes festivity and good times- so maybe the fact that you are forced to run represents some reluctance to join in with others. Perhaps this “life issue” has to do with groups of people.
Shooting stars and stars that are behaving strangely both symbolize new changes in your life, and advancement. The fact that the stars are acting unpredictably could be an acknowledgment that we never know the outcome of any action we take.
Strangers represent a hidden part of your personality. They can also be archetypal dream helpers who offer advice. In this dream, he seems to be contemplating something, so he might represent the process you are working through to arrive at some decision.
The ocean signifies the connection between your subconscious and conscious self. It is vast and mysterious, and this, too, could represent your hesitancy towards endless possibilities. Didn’t Kierkegaard describe anxiety as the result of having too many options? When, really, this should be exciting!
Water is also the source of all life, and therefore holds both mysteries as well as their solutions, so if you swim through the turbulence, it could be a major step towards realization.
Your dog probably symbolizes something too…ha ha, my analytical powers are getting lazy… Maybe responsibility, or companionship. Maybe you are struggling with finding a balance between responsibility and unadulterated fun in your life.
The fact that you woke up during your swim was your subconscious’ way of saying, “Welcome back to waking life, where you now have to take control of the story.” This interruption also relates back to the first sentence of this spiel in which the ocean could represent the connection between your subconscious and conscious self. There seems to be a disconnect that you need to bring to the fore and deal with.