Scrubby

Hi Nedelle,

I’ve been dating around a lot, and no one impresses me. But recently, I met a guy who’s really great and I think I like him, though it’s too soon to say for sure. The thing is, he just got laid off, and though he is curious and interesting, I’m not sure he’s that ambitious. I myself am a broke artist, so it seems like our future could be fraught with monetary misery. Should I cut it off with him while it’s still new, and pursue better options? Thanks for the help!

There are two types of scrubs: scrubs with aspirations, and scrubs who are scrubs for scrubs sake (also known as busters). Lots of great guys are scrubs with aspirations. It’s not their fault, per se; they could be doing something really cool with their time, but sadly, this world doesn’t throw itself at the feet of creative people who make beautiful things. If the scrub you speak of is in this category, then you might not want to throw him to the curb so hastily.

Two other important things to consider: there’s a fine line between a scrub who says they’re doing something and someone who is actually a hard worker. Don’t jump into anything until you figure out what category this dude falls into. Also, do you appreciate what he does with his time? Do you think he’s making cool shit, or is he getting it all wrong? I personally think it’s impossible to be with someone who is doing something that I don’t admire. Just be discerning, because you deserve the best scrub ever.

Song recommendation: No Scrubs by TLC

Honesty Prevents Problems

Dear Nedelle,

I’m a straight guy with a girl/friend situation. We went to another country together recently (she asked me to go) and I have a crush on her, but recently she told me she is still hung up on her ex (they split right before we met), and she thinks they’ll end up back together. I’m confused because I thought she liked me back. Was I crazy for thinking that? Should I keep in touch with her just to keep her friendship? Thanks!

You aren’t crazy for thinking that she was into you (but the fact that you didn’t make out on the shores of the French Riviera could’ve been a sign). You’d hope a pretty lady would know when to draw the line, and that line would be before traveling abroad with a guy. Geez. If justice could be served in the Court of Love, I’d charge her with “prolonged hanging out without the intent to kiss.” Bailiff, take this woman away!

Here three reasons you may have become friends shortly after her breakup:

1. She was playing naïve about your feelings because she didn’t want to be alone at the time
2. She wanted fodder for revenge so her ex would find out she was getting close to someone else. (Even if that meant telling him herself; this is obvi the worst-case scenario.)
3. She might’ve been ‘trying you out’ to see if feelings would develop. (Refer to my sentence about knowing when to draw the line.)

I think when we have crushes, we get so involved in the fantasy world, we can trick ourselves into thinking that the person likes us and just isn’t telling us, as opposed to them just… not liking us. I just want you to be aware that this delusional state of mind exists—and I urge you to ditch this girl and move on, or make the friendship super casual and don’t expect anything more from her.

Song recommendation: By the Time I Get to Phoenix by Glen Campbell

The Past

Hi Nedelle,

I’ve been dating this clean-cut, nice guy for about three weeks, and I’m scared to tell him about a DUI I got last year. I had to go through community service and AA, but no jail, thank God. I’m scared he’ll leave me if I tell him, but if I don’t, there’s a chance he’ll find out. Should I tell him this soon in our relationship, later, or never?

It’s too soon to tell him such things! This is the time for excited, nervous chatter, and gazing into each other’s eyes for stupid amounts of time. When you look back on the first weeks of a relationship you want to think, “How blue the sky was!” There’s no point in mussing it up with emotional smog. Heaven doesn’t have smog, you feel me? Plus, it’s not official yet. I say ride it out until he’s way into you, and then mention it matter-of-factly in a context that makes sense. If he really cares about you it shouldn’t be a deal-breaker. And if it is, then you’re better off finding someone more understanding. We’re only human!

Song recommendation: I’m Only Human by John Maus

Hit the Road, Jack

Hi Nedelle!

First off, I wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed your performances in Gainesville and Orlando! I’ve never heard your music up until then and I am now a big fan!

I have been dating this girl for about two years now. About a month ago, she decided to tell me that she wanted to break up with me, but that we would still have “benefits”. She is a bit younger than me and her reason behind it was that she thought it would be a good idea to explore our options, however; she also stated that she hopes that we end up together in the future.

Since then, we have continued to “hang out,” just not as often as we used to. I don’t think she is talking to anyone else in a serious manner, however; once in a while she will say weird things that’ll make me feel uncomfortable like “you should sleep with my roommate”.

I feel obligated to wait and be patient, but I don’t know if that is what’s best for me right now. Sometimes I feel like it would be nice to meet someone new, to see if we have better compatibility. I just don’t want to hurt her feelings, and I’m not sure if I want to let her go.

Sounds to me like she is holding the reigns, for real. There should be no consideration for hurting her feelings, when she is the one calling the shots. She should be congratulated for constructing such a perfectly win-win situation for herself. If you feel like this lady is holding you back in any way, you should break it off. You said yourself you would like to meet someone you’re more compatible with. Well, I do believe you have a “straggler relaysh” on your hands, and these stragglers tend to snaggle any potential of finding and falling for someone new.

And one more thing. Anyone who says they would like to “explore our options  but hopefully end up back together in the future” has no intention to ever reunite. Sadly, and annoyingly, that is a tactic for letting someone go gently. So for the love of God (and yourself) pack those bags! Onwards and upwards!

Song Recommendation: Hit the Road Jack by Ray Charles